Thursday, July 26, 2012

God Where Are You?

D

My life changed forever on the morning of May 27, 2012.  That is the day I received the worst phone call any mother can ever receive.  “Doretta, Jason is dead.”  Those four words made my heart stop, my world stand still and spin out of control all at the same time.

I stumbled through the next few days in a haze oblivious to everyone and everything around me.  I just could not wrap my brain around the fact that my son is dead.  I stayed busy the next few days preparing for the memorial service.  I made it through the service but after the service I admit I fell apart.  I cried on a daily basis and felt the cold slap of reality.  My son is dead and I will never see him again this side of heaven.

I found my emotions my emotions ran the gamut from denial—this is a nightmare or a sick joke someone is playing on me.  This cannot be true.  After the denial abated, I found myself angry—at Jason for dying and at God for taking my son.  I kept ranting at God, “Why did you have to take my son away from his family?”

One sleepless night as I lay in bed crying and railing at God, I felt loving arms wrap around me and a gentle voice speak to my heart.  “My child, my child I am here for you.  All you have to do is talk to me and tell me your troubles.  Have you forgotten I gave my only son because I love you so much.”  I lay there for what seemed like hours just holding on to God and letting Him hold and comfort me.

The next morning I got my Bible and journal and sat down in my comfortable old rocking chair to have my daily quiet time with my Father.  I did look like a disheveled mess—my hair standing up and my eyes swollen from weeping.  I knew that my Father did not care what I looked like.  He just wanted to spend time together with me.

As I opened my Bible I asked God, “Okay what do you want me to learn today?”  I was led to the book of Psalm, a beautiful book about David-a man after God’s own heart.  I found myself reading Psalm 6.  Today this chapter took on a whole new meaning for me as I read this beautiful Psalm.  My eyes were opened when I came to verse 6.  Here David is crying out to God in anguish.  David’s emotions were raw and he was in such pain.  “I am worn out from groaning, all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.”

David’s heart is breaking and he is crying out to God.  He is letting his true and honest feelings flood out of his mouth.  He is not afraid to let his honest fears out and let his hones feelings be made known to God.

Then I knew we can be honest with God about our pain and suffering.  He welcomes our brokenness with open arms.  God knows us so well and loves us so much, He wants only the best for us, His children.  God wants us to come to Him in all our anguish because He will always be here for us.  His love is unconditional.